I mean, here you have all these ::feelings:: intense, consuming and passionate and they feel infinite, neverending. Where does that go when things are over?
I guess the answer is feelings change. Like people they wax and wane over a period of time. But does love ever really go? Don't we all just harbor those feelings somewhere inside us, even if we do decide to lose that key?
It's hard to go back sometimes. It's hard to go back to that place you were before you decided it was love. Before you decided to give someone free reign of your inner sanctuary. Why do we try? So many people try to remain friends and you have to wonder what they know that the rest of us don't.
Me and this boy, this wonderful, gentle caring boy, we told each other that we loved each other. Albeit in friendship, romance whatever- it was there and it was said. But now it's as though those words were never spoken, never felt. It drives a person a little crazy, to be honest. How can someone say they love you and yet still not seem to care? How can two people reach that place and then falter- stilled in insecurities and worries and too much distance. Now we barely speak and we hardly have time for the other. What happened to that moment we had? Is that it- does it come and then pass and people move on? How does anyone manage to get together with anyone, let alone start to love them. It seems there are so many obstacles in the way, the least of which are in our very selves.
I miss him but I sometimes wonder if I don't miss being in love (or what I thought was love) more. I think a part of me just likes the romance of it.The drama. The intensity. But then again, if that were completely true I'd be in love again already. No. It was him. And it was me. And it was that time. But it seems so long ago and far to short a period. I regret the mistakes I made (being of course ME, I made a lot)but I know I can't go back and try to change things. We would probably always end like this. It just seems a shame because I miss him- his prescence in my life. And even if I told him that now, it still wouldn't matter because I feel it deep down inside, our moment passed and we did with it what we could. It's just hard to accept.
What I learned today:
1)People talking while I'm hustling to get my work done really annoy me. I came very close to screaming at my two coworkers today because they were laughing and goofing off. Eek. There's a manager in my blood somewhere I fear.
2)I still don't know all the words to the songs on Motherland (Natalie Merchant) and that album has been out for half a year now. I don't know what I've been doing with my time.
3)Sometimes making other people laugh is better than anything else in the world. And I mean anything. I'm glad I was blessed with that gift, I truly am.
I may be a lot of things, but fuck it- at least I made people smile.