Some days it's hard to get the motivation to move...

or to think

or to do anything really.

(I'm think I am creating an addiction. Queer Eye for The Straight Guy is like tv crack.)

Question#4, from the beautiful goody2shoe:

What are the best and worst things that have ever happened to you?

Gah. What a thinker that is. How do you categorize 32 years of experience into the best and worst?

There are so many small things, that when added together make a best. Same goes with worst, I reckon. Patterns that point you to that moment of 'oh yes!' or 'oh fuck!'.

Meeting Michael Stipe when I was in college is a good moment. The moment that led up to it is a bad one though. I always find that life always tries to balance itself... so that even if you have bad, good will follow and vice versa.

Okay, you probably wanted something more specific...

One of the worst moments is when I realized this boy, this man that was my best friend, when I realized we couldn't be friends because there was always something between us that shouldn't be there. It was something that kept me from being happy for him. Something that kept him from me. That something was my heart, to be sure, but it was also his. And so the something we never talked about, namely my continuing feelings for him, just went on growing around us and then, in the end, when I realized that I would never be good enough for him, I think that was the worse because I knew we had to make a break and just cut it all off. I miss him every day. Even the days when I don't think of him. (Only the unrequited will understand that) R was religious and I am not. I'd always cared deeply for him and he had always... well, just not like that. You can push at friendship and make it fit like you want it to, but only for a certain while. You can't lie to yourself, in the end. You can kid yourself, but only for a time. Eventually truth finds a hole in the fabric you've thrown over your eyes and you're dead in the water. You can pretend love will grow after time, but it doesn't. Not if it wasn't there to begin with.

So yeah, that was a worse feeling. Knowing that however much we tried we would always fight over these things and in the end, we were better off apart then together and so I lost a little bit of myself when we let it go and I lost a friend.

As for the best thing.... I don't know. I'm still working on that. Maybe it hasn't happened yet. I have instances of best but then there's always something eclipsing it so maybe that how lightness is, fleeting and only for a short time. Maybe it's supposed to be like that, so that we appreciate it more, I don't know.

Well, how was that for depressing?