It seems to me that I have always been a failure at interpersonal relationships. It's my gift, if you will, to make people dislike me. I don't know why or how I do this. But I do know if someone spends too much time around me, they eventually find me... very disagreeable.
Take for instance these two examples from my youth; I was in band right? Yes, I was a band geek. Anyway, in my senior year of highschool we went on a band trip to California to play in some such thing I can't even remember now. The main bulk of the trip was to be us seeing the sights- Disney, the Queen Mary, the Spruce Goose, etc. etc. We were all very keen to go. (maybe this is a reason I'm a loner, I use words like keen...ack) Anyway, I was to room with my then best friend Katie and our friend Lori. Except Lori didn't like me for some reason, I don't know why. Maybe she didn't like the fact that me and Katie were really close and she felt left out. She lived far away from both of us, it's not as though we could have included her in everything we did. Anyway, it turned out, that on this trip, those two would have boyfriends and I- the dateless wonder of the world-would have none. So they bonded and got to sit with their men on the bus ride over. I got to sit in a double seat all alone, hugging my walkman for all it was worth.
Once we got to California we set everything up in the hotel we were sharing. Without a doubt I got left behind. I don't think I pouted over this fact too much, I did have other friends to hang out with, but they seemed to have paired up with someone as well. It seemed I was always the third person out no matter where I went. Anyway, Lori seemed to pounce on this and somewhere, mid way through the trip, Katie and I stopped being best friends and the rest they say, is history. They would talk about me behind my back, leave me places and basically treated me like shit. All because I didn't have a boyfriend sticking his tongue down my throat. I don't know why this made me different. I don't know why I seemed such an easy target to pick. Maybe I'd been mean to Lori in someway, I don't know. But you'd think my best friend at the time would have had a bit more faith in me....
Compare and contrast this to Junior High. My junior high took a spring break trip to Washington DC and my then best friend didn't have the money to go, so she stayed behind. I got to room with 3 other girls, two I didn't know too well and the other was one who lived around the corner from me and who I had hung out with on occasion. Tracey was a very odd person because her parents were really strict with her and she had... interesting ideas about things, to say the least. But I thought we were friends at least and was looking forward to the trip. Once we got to Washington DC, Tracey decided that I needed to be picked on and talked about and basically treated like crap. We'd go places like museums or historical places and they'd leave me there, by myself. Laughing about it later. I have no idea what I did to these girls nor any idea what Tracey told them about me, but the harshness of that trip stayed with me a long time.
So now I realize that I have never been able to have close personal relationships. I always screw them up... somehow. Maybe I am too set in my ways. I don't know. Maybe I'm too protective of myself now. Maybe I'm just one of those people no one really likes after awhile...
So anyway, to all the people currently in my life? I apologize ahead of time for whatever it is I will do to make you hate me. I didn't mean it. Honest.