It's hard to shake this mood. This bad ass crawl around in my head and squeeze until blood is drawn mood. Bleh. I've moved on from bad to worse. At least when it was bad I could be angry and pissy. Now I am just depressed and worn out. There's only one thing to do when it gets this bad.... hang on tight.

I feel lost. And I have to remind myself that yes, I have had a decent life, considering. I mean, yeah okay, so what- I haven't had any great loves or even any great kisses for that matter, but I've traveled places. I've seen beautiful things. I make people laugh. I'm smart. I'm not living on the street. Considering my childhood I'm not doing drugs, being an alcoholic, selling myself for sex....and all of those things could of happened you know. I guess I should feel fortunate not angry that I don't have more.

It's really hard though. To not want more. To feel that you have so little. To want and want and never have. To just exist and not live, life. To see people get the things you know you deserve. To feel stuck and lost and empty and ignored...

I don't know what I'm doing. I don't have any answers. People come to me for advice and half the time I don't know why. This girl at works asks me about what she should do about her boyfriend. Like I know. Like I've ever had a real relationship. I don't know what to tell her when she says that he wants sex all the time and she doesn't. Of course then, problems like these make me glad to be single but....

I don't know.

I don't know why I'm here. If not to take up space, then what...why... how.

And I've been holding on so tight you can see the whites on my knuckles....

I guess the fact that I've haven't let go yet is another reason to be proud.

Maybe.