It was an innocent click. I was bored, I ventured onto my old stomping grounds, reading over diaries of people I no longer speak to. And there was his name, plain as day on someone's old favorites list. So I clicked, knowing he hadn't updated since May. Not expecting there to be anything but dust.
I was wrong. The dust had been sprayed and wiped away. He's been updating again. Well. Once so far. And what I read tore at my stomach like bad food. I was suddenly hot and cold. Heart beating fast. My eyes gobbling up every painful strangling word.
It seems he's in love. Or at least the story he wrote indicates he's in love. I can only wonder if it is one of his fictions or one of his truths. Either way the abscence of me within any of it was brutal to see. Has anyone seen Blade 2? There's this part where this vampire gets rammed into a brick wall by a van. I sort of felt like that. Except maybe without the pointy teeth and bloody explosion. My injuries are all internal, anyway. You know the kind... the ones that never leave you alone in the middle of the night.
We left each other. This much is true. Although really he left me a long time beforehand, it just took longer to take hold.
And hey, maybe some tiny little part is happy for him. I'm sure, somewhere inside of me there is that part. But the bad and ugly me is feeling miserable and sad and alone. For all my brave talk of letting go it's obvious I haven't and that's the part that makes me the maddest. Mad at myself, mad at him and mad at the world for selfish reasons.
In the end, I'm just tired. Tired of feeling. I thought I was coming around again. Now it seems as if everything has just fallen shut again and I'm numb and stupid.