I'm at the world premiere of Return of The King. Except it's not in some swanky theater, it's in a college gymnasium. Complete with cheesy streamers and half-assed converted stage right in the middle of the football field. It's a dome. (That's why I knew it was college and not highschool) And off to the side is a table set up for the 'stars' to come in and sign autographs at.
So I'm sitting there and I'm all alone. Go figure. Anyway, this nice girl comes to sit next to me and she can't stop talking about how she can't wait to see Frodo. It's Frodo this and Frodo that and I smile and give her this glazed over-Will You Shut UP!- look and then this real dirt bag lookin guy is lingering around and all of a sudden some of the film stars arrive! And it's all very low key and easy going- no big press thing. In fact, Elijah Wood is wearing this beach bum outfit and sunglasses, like he just strolled in off the beach. And Sean Astin is kickin' back, talking on his cell phone. Very strange.
Anyway, I get up to go to the table and when I get up there I realize I don't have anything for them to sign. But luckily, they have photos on the table you can use. Anyway, I talk to Elijah (we talk about my teeth, of all things) and while I'm talking to him, Dom and Billy show up, with Billy sitting on the floor, siginig things and Dom sitting next to Sean. After Elijah I move on to Dom and he's very standoffish with me, which I don't appreciate, but who am I to cast stones? I tell Sean Astin my name and he says, 'that's my wife's name!' and we have a great laugh over that, I don't know why. Anyway, he's very personable and I love him a little bit and then I squat down next to Billy and he's laying on the floor and he tells me he wants to show me his latest piercing.
No. It's not what you think.
So he takes off his shirt to reveal that... he's wearing another shirt. Ha ha and he's stuck a safety pin into it and that's what he wanted to show me. Everyone has a laugh at this- ha ha- and then Billy signs my picture and he's really sweet and then I go back to my seat, except now it's been taken by that dirty looking guy I saw earlier and he yells that it was his seat and I should just move over. And I get into a fight with him- why did you take my seat? There's seats all over the place! (And it's true, for this being a world premiere, it's very empty) and suddenly the lights go down and Peter Jackson shows up and the move starts to roll and instead of the Return of the King it's a Groucho Marx movie and Elijah Wood is Groucho and Dom is Harpo and then I wake up.
I swear to GOD I do not do drugs to have these types of dreams.