I'm scared. What if I don't find another job? Or I do find one and it's so sub par that it makes this one look like paradise? I hate looking for a new job. REALLY. It's really the only reason I've stuck with this one as long as I have. It's depressing. I'm fighting off this huge depression by trying to think of it as a new opportunity. But then all these thoughts about how bad the economy is and how we're about to go to war and how STUPID President Bush is.... well. I just sort of go nowhere.
And I was so close you guys. I was so close to having everything paid off. My debt management program was due to be paid in April. My last student loan was due to be done in June. I was going to move out and get my own place or even try for a house. Maybe get a new car. All of that is unattainable now. It's gone. I have to keep working until March if I want my severance package. So I can't even really look at places now. I can't imagine many places will hire me based on the fact that I can't even start until March. Everything I had planned for this year is gone. And I can't stop thinking about it but it's there in the back of my mind. And it doesn't help that everyone at work is talking about it and we're going to these meetings to get our questions answered and all it does it create new ones. And health insurance! Don't even ask about that... I feel like there is this huge collar around my neck and it has me in a choke hold and it's slowly getting tighter and tighter....
Someone said it's as though there's been a death in the family. And it's true. We all walk around at work, shell shocked. And people are annoying, the ones who have it all figured out, already. Or the ones that come up to you and ask- hey? what are your plans? As if I know by the second day.
It makes me feel like there's something wrong with me, that I don't have this master plan already plotted out. I feel as though I am the only one is clueless.
I know I bitched about my job a lot and yes, when I came back from vacation, I dreaded going back. But it was secure. I mean, I thought I could stay there until I was sure where I was going. Now that's gone. And maybe this is happening for a reason, I just don't know. But I'm scared and worried and anxious, NOW. And I really don't know what to do about that.